


she deserves a crown (but where is it now?)

by alyciaclebnam



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-06 07:16:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3125723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyciaclebnam/pseuds/alyciaclebnam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“No, we didn’t date. Technically, she wasn’t an ex-girlfriend. But she was an ex-something, an ex-maybe. An ex-almost.”</p><p>Progressive Alren with a hint of Camren friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	she deserves a crown (but where is it now?)

***

**2016**

***

Lauren hates the sunlight.

Okay, so she doesn’t _hate_ it – she’s a Miami girl at heart; it would be outlandish if she hated one of the things her hometown was known for – but she hates the fact that it had to be sunny _today_ , of all days.

(She hates how she doesn’t really hate it at all, because it’s exactly what Ally wanted.)

The sunlight is warm and welcoming, but it does nothing to thaw Lauren’s icy heart. She feels cold, miserable, and disinclined to engage in any type of human interaction.

But when each pair of weary eyes meets her own, she feels like she has no other choice.

She’s not the only one hurting, after all.

How ironic that the sun burns bright on the saddest day of the year.

As she shields the blinding light from her eyes with one hand, she uses the other to thumb the worn pages sticking out from her handbag and retreats into her thoughts.

***

**2012**

***

Lauren had just been eliminated during boot camp.

At the producers’ request, the eliminated X Factor contestants were being detained at the venue. Lauren liked to think of it that way – _detained_ – like they were being kept against their will. They’d been _eliminated_ for God’s sake; why did they need to hang around? Was it so the cameras could film them breaking down after being told that they weren’t good enough?

 _You don’t need to show this kind of shit for audience appeal_ , Lauren thought angrily. _Masochistic freaks_.

The contestants were crowded in a small courtyard outside, some lamenting their failure to progress to the next round, others reminding themselves that they could always audition again next year.

Lauren was somewhere in between. Literally.

Her mom was sitting on one side of her saying, “Oh, if only you’d done _this_! And what if you’d done _that_ …”

Her dad was on her other side, rubbing her shoulder and murmuring soft words of praise – he was proud, no matter how far she got in the competition – and trying to keep up her morale.

Lauren rolled her eyes at the both of them.

She loved her parents, but they didn’t seem to understand the concept of _space_. Lauren figured it was because they were Cuban.

She was glad to hear one of the stage managers call her name and she shot up from her seat, eager to find out why they were asked – _ordered_ , really – to stay behind.

(She was also eager to get away from her parents’ coddling, but she didn’t tell them that.)

As she followed the small group of contestants back into the building, she caught sight of Camila – another Miami native that she’d met earlier in the competition. Camila smiled sadly at her, and they twined their fingers together in anticipation.

“What do you think it’s going to be?” Lauren asked her, as they filed through the doors.

“I don’t want to get my hopes up,” Camila began hesitantly. “But the boys of One Direction were all eliminated during boot camp and put together at the last minute, so… maybe that’ll be us too?”

Lauren breathed a laugh and squeezed her hand as they poured onto the stage before the eyes of the four judges.

***

It turned out Camila was right. They were good enough to stay in the competition, but not as solo acts.

Thankfully, she already knew three of the four girls that she’d been grouped with – Camila, Dinah and Normani.

Camila had been a friend since the auditions, and Lauren knew that her voice was amazing. From the brief interactions she’d had with them during boot camp, Lauren deduced that Dinah and Normani were friendly girls (though she was slightly wary of their mutual obsession with Beyoncé) and a quick recall of their voices assured that they would complement the group nicely.

The fourth girl, however, Lauren had never met.

Allyson Brooke Hernandez was a tiny girl (the top of her head barely reached Lauren’s nose) with an affinity for neon colours (her cheery yellow blouse kinda made Lauren want to puke) and a personality so bubbly, she was fizzier than a bottle of Coca Cola that had been shaken until it burst.

Standing on the stage in front of the judges, Lauren took in Ally’s red-rimmed brown eyes – she was likely one of the people crying after the mass elimination – and the bulky frame of her glasses, the dirty blonde ringlets cascading down her shoulders.

(She avoided looking at her blouse again because, honestly, the colour was making her lightheaded.)

Ally turned her head as Lauren was examining her and they locked eyes. Lauren flushed at having been caught staring, but Ally just sent her a smile as bright as her neon yellow blouse.

***

One week of living with her in the X Factor mansion, and Lauren thought that Ally was a phony. She’d met girls like her before – the all-girl college prep school that she went to had a _lot_ of girls like Ally – and they were master manipulators who had everyone eating out of the palm of their “friendly” little hands.

Ally was too nice, too kind, too polite.

Lauren hated her on principle. It just wasn’t _normal_. People were only nice when they wanted things. Ally had yet to reveal what she was playing at, but Lauren knew that she was up to something. She just _had_ to be.

 _No one could possibly be that nice and_ not _have an agenda_ , she thought.

So Lauren watched Ally like a hawk, waiting for her to slip up and reveal her true nature.

***

One month later, Ally was just as bubbly as she had been on the day they first met, and Lauren was frustrated. Even Camila couldn’t reason with her, and they’d been attached at the hip since boot camp.

Ally hadn’t slipped – not _once_ – and there was absolutely no evidence to suggest that she was anything but a five-foot-nothing, kind-hearted, too-friendly-for-her-own-good teenage girl with no hidden agendas.

***

Lauren was lying on the couch with her legs across Camila’s lap. She groaned and tossed her book onto the coffee table, too frustrated with the Ally situation to read. Camila didn’t look up from her own book, just prodded Lauren’s leg pryingly.

“It’s nothing,” Lauren said, reaching for one of the cushions and hugging it to her face.

Camila hummed as she read. “Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

Lauren sighed. It was loud enough that Camila heard it through the cushion.

“You’re thinking about Ally again, aren’t you?” Camila asked knowingly, glancing up from her book to look at Lauren.

Even though her eyes were covered, Lauren could still feel Camila’s smug smile. She blindly raised her middle finger.

“You’re wrong about her,” Camila said for the umpteenth time. “Everything on the outside matches what’s on the inside.”

Lauren pulled the cushion from her face and joked, “Ew, Camz. Are you saying that the curtains match the drapes? Because I really didn’t need to kno-”

Camila rolled her eyes and stuffed the cushion back over Lauren’s face.

“I like you better when you’re not talking.”

Lauren chuckled into the cushion. “Kinky.”

Camila’s sarcastic response was cut off by a cheerful voice coming from the kitchen.

“Lauren, do you want to come help me bake these cookies?” It was Ally, of course. “They’re soft-centred peanut butter – your favourite!”

Lauren slowly lowered the cushion from her face. She was met with Camila’s amused smile. The brown-eyed girl then nudged Lauren’s legs off her lap and they hit the floor with a thud.

“She’s making your favourite cookies! How could you say that she’s anything but an angel? Help her out!” Camila urged, shooing her off the couch. “Go!”

Lauren huffed and tossed the cushion at Camila’s face before stomping away into the kitchen. Ally greeted her with a dazzling smile.

“I just need to shape the dough onto the trays and they’ll be ready to go in the oven,” She informed Lauren brightly. “You don’t mind helping me out, do you? I know peanut butter cookies are your favourite, so I thought you might want to try some of the dough before it’s all gone.”

Lauren nodded stiffly. They worked quietly, shaping the dough into reasonable sizes and placing them on the trays. Ally was the one to finally break the silence after a good ten minutes had passed.

“You don’t like me very much, do you?” She asked in a small voice.

Lauren reluctantly looked up from her misshapen cookies and into Ally’s watery brown eyes. Her stomach roiled at the unfamiliar sight – Ally had never shown any emotion aside from happiness – but she quickly tamped down the uncomfortable feeling.

Lauren just shook her head. Ally’s bottom lip quivered.

“Have I done something to make you hate me?” Ally asked, her brows drawn together anxiously.

Lauren hesitated, drawing her lip into her mouth and biting down.

This was what she wanted, right? For Ally to show an emotion other than rainbows and butterflies?

“You’re too good to be true,” Lauren admitted eventually.

Ally’s eyebrows lowered confusedly.

“You’re too nice – too _friendly_. You’re so goddamn optimistic! You do things without asking for anything in return, you bake people’s favourite cookies out of the kindness of your own heart, you smile all the freakin’ time!” Lauren rattled off exasperatedly. “Nobody is that selfless. You can’t possibly be a real person!”

“But I am,” Ally said after a pause. She frowned. “I’m not hiding anything, Lauren. That’s just who I am.”

“I don’t know if I can believe that,” Lauren said honestly.

She sighed heavily and left the kitchen without so much as a backwards glance. If she had, she might have seen the tears running silently down Ally’s face and convinced herself that everything she believed was a lie.

***

When Ally’s grandfather died during the competition and Ally offered to stay behind and rehearse for their performance instead of flying back to Texas for the funeral, Lauren realised just how mistaken she was.

Ally didn’t make eye contact with her as the girls said their goodbyes and she left for the airport.

Lauren felt so guilty, she spent the rest of the night curled up in bed and refused to come down for dinner.

***

Ally came back from Texas with sleeplessness evident in her tired eyes, but she greeted the girls as exuberantly as ever. Lauren watched the reunion with rueful eyes.

***

She didn’t know what prompted her to do it, but she reached for Ally’s hand at the beginning of their performance that night.

Ally surprised her by not flinching away.

Encouraged, Lauren gently kept hold of her hand. She hoped that Ally felt the apology she was trying to convey through their intertwined fingers – for her grandfather, for not believing in her, for judging her so harshly, for everything.

Ally squeezed her hand back, and Lauren felt the relief flooding through her entire being.

***

Later that night, Ally asked Lauren to join her in the kitchen again. This time, she didn’t protest.

As Lauren rolled the dough between her fingers, she peered through her lashes at Ally, who was humming along to a song echoing from her phone.

“I’m sorry,” Lauren said eventually, making Ally stop and look up at her.

Ally tilted her head questioningly.

Lauren sighed. “I was too quick to judge you. I let my misconceptions get the best of me, and I jumped to conclusions. I was sceptical about how genuine your personality was… and I was really rude to you,” She pursed her lips apologetically. “I-I thought that you could hurt me, so…”

To her disbelief, Ally broke out into a smile.

“I forgive you,” She chirped happily, and then continued shaping her cookies.

Lauren shook her head fondly. “You’re just a ray of sunshine, aren’t you? You’re honestly not going to give me a hard time for treating you the way that I did?”

Ally giggled. Lauren wondered if happiness was both a feeling _and_ a sound.

“Forgive and forget. There’s no use holding onto a grudge,” Ally said wisely. “I don’t want to waste a second of my life being anything other than happy. And I know you didn’t mean any harm by your attitude – you were just protecting yourself, right? If you kept me out, then there was no way I could hurt you.”

Lauren smiled wanly. “Yeah, I was just protecting myself.”

If only she’d done a better job in the long run.

***

**2013**

***

The X Factor came and went (they placed third, which was honestly more than Lauren expected from their ragtag group of teenage girls), and with it came a record deal.

Simon and L.A. apparently had a lot of faith in their abilities as a group, and signed them to their joint label.

And so Fifth Harmony survived into the new year. After they all went home – Lauren and Camila to Miami, Ally to San Antonio, Normani to Houston, and Dinah to Orange County – the girls kept in close contact despite the geographical separation.

Some kept in touch more so than others.

Ally and Lauren texted each other quite frequently over the break. They’d grown closer during the last half of the competition, after Lauren admitted that she was wrong about her initial assessment of the bubbly girl.

Ally was a welcome change from the types of girls she’d always been friends with – the snobby, elitist, private school girls who thought that parties and boys were the most life had to offer.

Ally was much more refined than they were. It was refreshing, honestly.

Lauren likened her to the sunshine of a new day.

***

Lauren and Camila burst into the building, fresh off a flight from Miami, eager to meet up with the rest of Fifth Harmony. The Christmas holidays had been fun, of course, but they missed their girls.

Lauren was keen to see one person in particular, but she didn’t voice that thought to her bow-toting friend. Judging from Camila’s expression, she already knew anyway.

Lauren shoved Camila’s shoulder lightly as they ran up the stairs to find their friends. Camila just laughed.

“Simmer down, Lo. She’s not going anywhere. We’re stuck together because of that record deal, remember?”

Lauren rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t fight the blush that rose to her cheeks. “Shut up.”

Camila gave a dorky wink before pushing her into the railing and dashing up the stairs faster than Lauren had ever seen her uncoordinated Bambi legs move.

Lauren cursed under her breath. She finished establishing a plan of revenge on her stupid best friend by the time she finally reached the landing.

But before she could execute it, she found herself with an armful of Ally.

Lauren spat out a mouthful of her dirty blonde hair. It tasted like cinnamon.

She twisted her arms around the girl and held on for dear life, just like Ally seemed to be doing to her.

“Oh my gosh, Lolo! I missed you so much!”

Lauren grinned. The sound of Ally’s voice warmed her from her head to her toes.

“Hey, Sunshine. I missed you too.”

Lauren wondered whether home truly was the place she’d just left, or the way she felt in Ally’s arms.

A minute into their fierce embrace, Dinah’s voice called out from somewhere on Lauren’s left. “Mani and I aren’t good enough for you, huh? Where’s our hug? I already gave Mila _two_ hugs in the time it’s taken you to hug Ally _once_.”

Lauren just laughed and buried her reddened face into Ally’s hair, making sure none of it got into her mouth this time. She ignored the teasing jabs that Camila delivered to her ribs.

Lauren didn’t let go though, and neither did Ally.

***

Touring was hectic. Granted, it was a very small-scale mall tour, but it was hectic nonetheless. Having three overgrown children on their bus (named Dinah, Camila and Normani) would do that.

Lauren thought that she would never have made it through the _Harmonize America_ tour if it weren’t for Ally.

They were easily the most mature of their quintet – Ally because of her age, and Lauren because of her mostly serious disposition – and that meant that they were automatically granted the parental role in their group of five.

Dealing with Camila and Normani and Dinah was easy with Ally around – when the girls got up to mischief, she would play good cop, and Lauren would play bad cop. It was simple, comfortable, natural.

It felt _right_.

They balanced each other out nicely. Where Lauren was sharp angles and cutting words, Ally was soft and gentle. She remained unruffled by Lauren’s sometimes biting attitude, and Lauren was amazed that Ally hadn’t grown sick of her yet. Even Camila became fed up with her sometimes.

Lauren was thankful for Ally’s exceptionally high tolerance.

They shared a quick wit, and Lauren loved having someone that could match her intelligence with ease. Ally’s sarcastic sense of humour was something that she never would have expected, but it was a pleasant surprise – Lauren was far too sarcastic for her own good, so they were even on that front.

They were opposites for the most part, but similar in more ways than one. What Lauren lacked, Ally made up for, and vice versa.

Lauren imagined that her life would be incredibly dull without Ally around.

***

**2014**

***

Fifth Harmony were growing bigger by the day. Their fanbase was expanding, and they had upgraded from mall tours to arena tours. With Demi Lovato.

 _Demi_ freakin’ _Lovato_.

Lauren was beyond excited to be part of the opening act for one of her idols, as anyone would be.

The girls were backstage getting ready for the next show. Camila, Normani and Dinah had wandered off – presumably to run amuck elsewhere – and Ally and Lauren were left in the dressing room.

Ally’s phone was blasting Justin Timberlake, as per usual, and the two of them were dancing and singing as they moved about the room.

_“On that sunny day, didn’t know I’d meet_  
_Such a beautiful girl walking down the street._  
_Seen those bright brown eyes, with tears coming down_  
_She deserves a crown, but where is it now?_

_Mama, listen…”_

Lauren did a body roll, just because it always made Ally laugh. She then fell into a (completely unnecessary) falsetto for the chorus, which earned a giggle from her band mate.

_“Senorita, I feel for you_  
_You deal with things that you don’t have to_  
_He doesn’t love you, I can tell by his charm_  
_But you could feel this real love, if you just lay in my…”_

They met in the middle of the room and fell into each other’s arms, almost crying with laughter. Lauren jokingly continued singing in falsetto as they danced around one another. Ally shook her head fondly, eyes sparkling with tears of mirth.

They reached the outro, in its call-and-return glory, and Lauren willingly took the male line. She deepened her voice comically.

_“It feels like something’s heating up, can I leave with you?”_

Ally waved a hand over her face, fighting the urge to laugh, before she continued with the next line.

_“I don’t know but I’m thinking ‘bout really leaving with you.”_

They threw the lines back and forth, dancing and laughing all the while. It was fun and merry until Ally suddenly stumbled over her Jeffrey Campbells – the ridiculously high-heeled ones with the Barbie heads in the sole – and staggered backwards.

Luckily, Lauren had quick reflexes and caught her before she hit the ground.

They probably looked comical, with Lauren’s hands on Ally’s back and Ally’s arms around Lauren’s waist – like the cover of a cheesy romantic movie – but that didn’t seem to bother either of the girls.

It wasn’t awkward until Lauren made it awkward.

She couldn’t help the way her eyes flickered down from Ally’s eyes to her mouth. Unfortunately, it was a movement that Ally didn’t miss.

Lauren blushed and hurriedly pulled Ally upright before wrenching her hands away. Ally chuckled weakly.

Thankfully, the clique had decided to come running through the door at that exact moment, and prevented the awkward tension from escalating further. Camila, Normani and Dinah burst into the room without bothering to greet either of its occupants, and continued talking loudly amongst themselves.

Ally excused herself quickly, snatching up her phone and cutting the music off.

“I’m just gonna call Troy real quick,” She said to nobody in particular, before leaving the room.

Lauren watched her walk out the door with furrowed brows and a sudden ache in her heart.

***

They didn’t speak about that moment.

As far as Lauren was concerned, nothing had even happened. Her heart wasn’t racing, her hands weren’t shaking, and she certainly didn’t feel any kind of longing.

Besides… Ally had a boyfriend, and Lauren wasn’t even _gay_.

***

Nothing happened, yet Lauren began to distance herself from Ally after the incident.

It was instinctive, and the space helped to hinder her increasingly unruly thoughts.

(She was especially afraid of the ones that began with ‘ _what if’_ – they were the probing thoughts, the ones that asked questions that Lauren didn’t want to know the answers to.)

Everything was fine – Ally was handling the distance without complaint, and Lauren wasn’t having too much trouble staying away – until the show in Texas.

Ally’s boyfriend had come to visit since the venue wasn’t too far from their hometown of San Antonio. Troy was nice enough, Lauren thought, and Ally seemed to really like him. That had to mean something.

(Even so, Lauren had an inexplicable dislike for the boy. She didn’t dwell on it, for fear that she would reach a conclusion that she didn’t like. Besides, Ally had taught her not to judge a person until she got to know them properly.

So Lauren resolved to keep her feelings under wraps for the time being.

 _Out of sight, out of mind_ , she told herself repeatedly.)

***

It turned out that Lauren was right to be wary of Troy.

She caught him with his tongue down another girl’s throat – a girl that was decidedly taller than Ally’s five-foot frame – in a dark hallway backstage.

***

Lauren broke the news to Ally after their set, when the dressing room was devoid of other people. (Camila, Normani and Dinah had snuck out into the crowd to watch Little Mix and Demi perform.)

She expected Ally to break down crying, to run out and confront her lying, _scumbag_ of a boyfriend, to scream, to freeze, to do _some_ thing. _Anything_.

She didn’t expect for the girl to sigh heavily and send her a sad smile.

That was when Lauren realised that Ally already knew.

Lauren uttered the conclusion aloud, more than a little confused by it. If Ally knew, then why was she still with him?

She didn’t get a chance to ask. Ally was blinking owlishly, her mouth half open as if to speak.

Lauren waited patiently.

Then the tears began to fall, and Ally collapsed into Lauren’s arms.

***

“He doesn’t deserve you,” Lauren murmured into Ally’s hair.

They had fallen onto the two-person couch (the only comfortable seats in the dressing room) not long after Ally began to cry. The shorter girl was curled comfortably in Lauren’s lap.

Ally sniffled and burrowed her head further into the crook of Lauren’s neck.

“Who else is going to love me?” She asked.

Lauren wasn’t sure if Ally was asking what she thought she was asking.

So she just sighed and pulled the girl as close as she could.

***

They didn’t speak about that moment either.

But Lauren slowly came to the realisation that maybe she _was_ kinda gay.

For one person, at least.

Ally didn’t like her back though, so what did it matter?

***

**2015**

***

Ever since Troy and Ally’s split last year, Lauren and Ally’s friendship had been on the mend.

Ally no longer had to deal with an unfaithful boyfriend, and Lauren was happy for that.

(She was having trouble fighting the urge to kiss one of her closest friends, but that was only a minor issue.)

***

The hard work didn’t stop even when they made it big, and Fifth Harmony found themselves touring well into December.

The Christmas spirit was high, especially on the Fifth Harmony tour bus.

Ally – the resident Christmas fanatic – had recruited the girls to help decorate the bus. It was decked in boughs of holly, glittery tinsel and twinkling fairy lights.

Dinah and Normani were tacking the last of the tinsel to the walls while Camila ran around with miscellaneous decorations and glued them wherever she deemed fit. Lauren had been tasked with decorating the miniature Christmas tree in the back lounge. Ally was overseeing everyone’s actions, calling out orders when necessary.

Lauren had run out of decorations, so she headed out to the front lounge to scrounge up some more. She walked past Ally, who was venturing into the back lounge to check her progress on the tree.

She chortled at Dinah, who had tied a tinsel noose around Normani’s neck, and ignored the pleas asking for her to control Ally’s fervent decorating spree.

Camila sprinted past her as she entered the front lounge. Lauren shrugged it off – Camila could be a strange little nugget sometimes – and began the hunt for more decorations.

When she finally found an extra box of baubles, she scooped them up happily and began walking back to the other end of the bus.

Camila zoomed out of the back lounge and joined her for the rest of the short walk back. Lauren raised an eyebrow at the wicked grin that she was wearing.

“What?” She asked when Camila made no move to speak.

“Nothing,” Camila said immediately, wiping the grin from her face.

Lauren didn’t believe her though. She entered the back lounge wearily, and joined Ally in front of the half decorated tree. She dumped the contents of the box on the leather lounge and Ally almost squealed.

“Oh, thank God! I thought you ran out of decorations and were leaving the tree half finished.”

Lauren gave a scandalised gasp. “I would never disrespect a Christmas tree by leaving it half decorated. How preposterous!”

Her mocking tone caused Ally to slap her arm good-naturedly.

“Y’all can make fun of how much I love Christmas, but there’s no denying that the bus looks so much more welcoming now,” She said with a flourish, waving her arms at the twinkling fairy lights adorning the walls.

Lauren laughed lightly. “Whatever you say, Sunshine.”

 _I’m only doing it for you_ , she thought but didn’t say.

From the entrance to the lounge, Camila cleared her throat loudly. Lauren and Ally whipped their heads towards her.

She pointed above them nonchalantly, to where a bunch of mistletoe hung.

(If Lauren’s eyes were lasers, her best friend would be toast.)

“Merry Christmas, girls,” Camila said brightly.

With a smug smile, she flounced away to the other end of the bus. Lauren just blinked at the space that she left behind.

Ally glanced between the mistletoe and Lauren. She craned her neck and planted a soft kiss on the green-eyed girl’s cheek before smiling and following Camila out of the lounge.

Lauren reverently touched the spot where Ally’s lips made contact.

She couldn’t decide whether to hate or love her stupid best friend and her stupid antics.

***

It was the night before their final show of the year; the night before everyone had to pack their bags and head back home for Christmas.

Lauren and Ally had been left alone on the bus. Camila dragged Normani and Dinah off to explore the streets of whatever city they were in – honestly, Lauren had lost track of their location three weeks into the tour – and Lauren didn’t know whether it was on purpose or not.

Knowing Camila, it was probably the former.

Ally and Lauren were lounging around, waiting for their children to return so that they could have one last family dinner before the year came to a close.

It was 8 o’clock when Ally decided to call them up and request that they come back to the bus. The only problem was, none of the girls were answering their phones.

Lauren laughed to herself. She made a mental note to thank Camila sometime.

Ally hung up after leaving a lengthy voicemail for Dinah. Lauren grasped her wrist before she could dial Normani’s number again.

“I don’t think they’re coming back,” Lauren said with an amused smile.

Ally bit her lip. “Do you think we should go to dinner without them?”

Lauren shrugged. _Yes!_ her mind screamed.

“Only if you want to,” She responded nonchalantly.

Ally paused for a moment, seemingly thinking over her options. Then she broke out into a grin.

“I think we should go to dinner.”

***

Ally led her through the streets until they came to a bustling little sushi bar. She smiled happily up at the sign and looked at Lauren expectantly.

Lauren’s gaze flickered between the sign and Ally confusedly. “You don’t really like sushi.”

Ally responded with a radiant smile. “But you do.”

Lauren couldn’t stop the corners of her mouth from curling upward even if she tried.

***

It felt strangely like a date, but neither of the girls commented on the romantic atmosphere. Instead, they shared shy smiles and poked fun at each other’s rosy cheeks.

At the end of the meal, Lauren paid the bill. It felt like the right thing to do.

***

After their not-really-a-date, nothing really changed at all.

But Lauren felt something in the air, and she knew that change was coming.

They said goodbye at the airport like they always did. The only thing different was the tender smiles that Lauren and Ally exchanged before they parted ways.

***

**2016**

***

By now, the searing sunlight is turning her fair skin pink.

An outdoor service, she’d promised Ally. Midday, when the sun was at its highest peak.

“I want the sun to turn everyone’s skin red,” Ally had explained when Lauren asked why. “When their sunburned skin eventually flakes off to reveal the shiny new skin underneath, I want them to realise that the pain only hurts for a while before everything goes back to normal. Loss is merely a temporary feeling.”

Lauren tells the gathered crowd this, and they share subdued smiles, knowing how very Ally-esque it sounds.

Change had come, but not in the way that Lauren expected.

***

Mid-January meant the reunion of Fifth Harmony after the holidays. Another album was waiting to be written in the heart of Los Angeles. Lauren, Camila, Normani and Dinah were absentmindedly watching the news in their rented apartment as they waited for Ally to arrive at the airport.

They didn’t expect for Ally’s name to flash across the screen, or for the news anchor to announce that the plane had gone down somewhere over New Mexico.

 _A freak accident_ , they said. _Mechanical failure._

The pilots attempted a controlled flight into terrain, but the plane was flying low over a mountain range and there was nowhere to land.

 _All passengers and crewmembers were killed on impact_ , they said.

***

“Ally was-” Lauren has to pause and catch her breath here, because the words are stuck in her throat, threatening to close her airways if she so much as speaks about Ally in the past tense. “Ally was the light of my life. When she passed, my world went dark. We were never an official thing – we were never even an _unofficial_ thing – but we were almost something. We were always almost something.”

For every _almost_ that she can recall, Lauren feels a sharp tug at her heartstrings. Then she remembers that she’s standing on a podium before Ally’s friends and family, and she continues with her eulogy.

“I loved her. I _love_ her. And I’ll forever hate the fact that I never got to tell her,” Lauren says shakily. The pieces of paper in her hand flutter to the ground, she’s so nervous, but she doesn’t bother picking them up because she has her speech memorised.

“Ally taught me to abandon my misconceptions, and to always look at the world with fresh eyes. Everything is a new experience, no matter how many times you go through it – it’s up to you to see things for what they truly are.

“Ally taught me that there is light in every corner of our dark world. You just have to be optimistic enough to see it. She taught me forgiveness, remorse, regret. She taught me how to make the best goddamn peanut butter cookies in existence – even better than the recipe on Martha Stewart’s website.”

This earns a sprinkling of laughter from the crowd.

“She was the most selfless person I’d ever met. To the girls of Fifth Harmony, Ally was a mother, a sister, and a best friend. To me, she was everything. I know that I’ll never find someone quite like her in this world. Someone who is gracious and kind, bubbly even when she’s running on two hours of sleep-”

Lauren has to stop herself from going on; she could literally spend hours talking about each and every aspect of Ally’s perfect personality. So she wraps it up with a quick _‘she will be forever missed’_ and heads back to her seat.

Camila takes her hand and holds it tight, because she knows that Lauren is threatening to sink without Ally keeping her afloat. Dinah holds onto her other arm comfortingly, while Normani reaches out to wipe away the tears that she didn’t realise had fallen.

The ceremony finishes soon after Lauren’s speech. Once the casket is lowered into the ground and she shakes off the last person offering their condolences for her lost almost-lover, Lauren wanders off through the tiny city of tombstones.

She recalls an addendum to the words that Ally spoke, an addition to _‘loss is merely a temporary feeling’_ – the words she shared with the audience earlier.

“I want you to remember that the sun burns just as bright without me,” Ally had told Lauren quietly.

Lauren chose not to share that comment with everyone else. She felt like it was a message just for her. She didn’t understand it then, but she understands it now.

So she stretches her arms and lets the sun do its worst.

Lauren only feels Ally’s touch dancing across her skin.

Her little ray of Sunshine was gone, but the sunshine was here all the same.

***


End file.
